I was you once not too long ago. I woke up wondering what was going to hit me that day. Who was going to betray me. Who was going to leave me hanging. How I would be disappointed next. I've experienced the soul crushing feelings of sorrow-the cry that only a truly broken heart knows. The one where your shoulders shake, you can't seem to catch your breath, the tears can't possibly stop coming, and you couldn't make the sobs stop coming from your lips no matter how much you want to. It's the kind of cry we feel ashamed to let others see, so we hold it back so as not to push our despair onto others. It's "selfless". I know you're struggling.
To say that life knocked the wind out of me would be an understatement. Two years. Two miscarriages. An affair turned divorce. Unforeseen single motherhood. I am the queen of hopelessness. We as a society find reasons to be hopeless. Your candidate wasn't elected? Hopeless. Your spouse isn't doing that one thing that you believe would fulfill you? Hopeless. Your children don't listen to you and constantly act out? Hopeless. We wake up to tragic news, day after day, and it's considered completely normal.
One of my favorite quotes comes from "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp: “Blessed are those who are sad, who mourn, who feel the loss of what they love — because they will be held by the One who loves them. There is a strange and aching happiness only the hurting know — for they shall be held.”
There's a strange comfort that overcomes you when your heart is so broken, your eyes sore from the tears, your head aching from sobbing, and your mind so overcome by grief, stress, anxiety, fear. It comes when there is absolutely nothing you can do but give it over to God. You have no choice other than to just trust that He will do all things for the goodness of those who Love Him. This is exactly why feeling broken is the most beautiful thing ever to happen. When life is always perfect and wonderful, you begin too become accustomed to the beauty that is all around you; the things that once seemed miraculous, are just a little duller.
Our emotional state does not alter what is happening around us, and if we could just do this one thing-accept our feelings for what they are as temporary, fleeting, and ever-changing- we will realize that it's okay to not feel okay sometimes.
Hebrews 6:19 says “This hope we have is an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast."
You've got this, my friend. I believe in you.
DISCLAIMER: If you have feelings of depression, overwhelming sadness, or experience thoughts of suicide, please seek help. You are wanted, loved, and needed. You have been chosen for something incredible, and you're still alive for a reason. You are not a carbon-copy. You are uniquely you, and someone desperately needs the beauty that you bring to the world. Don't be ashamed. You are not a disappointment. You are not a failure.